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Better Communication in Marriage

Good Communication

Communicating correctly is imperative in any relationship but is paramount in marriage. Lack of genuine communication in a marriage can also be an early indicator of a lack of interest in the union. 

Effective communication can help you and your spouse strengthen your marital bond by helping you understand each other, clarify wants and needs, and resolve conflicts before they reach the point of no return.

I talk with couples repeatedly who say they talk every day, yet drift apart because they never take the time to communicate about the important topics that could anchor their relationship. Communication in marriage isn't relegated only to who's picking up dinner and driving the kids to soccer practice. 

It reminds me of the 1979 hit by Rupert Holmes called "Escape", also known as the "Pina Colada Song". It was about a couple drifting apart simply because they didn't know the important things about each other. The theme obviously struck a note because it was the first pop song to ascend to #1 on the Billboard Pop charts in two different decades.

Take a listen.

Relationship-building communication in marriage includes discussions about money, goals, families, physical needs, emotional desires, plans, ambitions, and so much more. 

Couples that learn to communicate openly and effectively encounter better marital satisfaction, and understanding, and develop the ability to navigate challenges as a team.

A cheerful home starts with the ability of you and your partner to regularly interact with dialogue that allows each person to express their thoughts in a safe environment. 

It becomes important to obtain some tools and methods that will allow you to communicate productively with the one you love.

Better Communication in Marriage

1. Focus

*Here's where you divide the talk from the communication. A sure way to demonstrate your spouse's importance to you is by giving them your full attention when they have something important to say.

*Eliminate distractions by silencing your phone, closing your laptop, muting the television, or removing any other obstacles that would impede your ability to focus on what they have to say.

*This will allow you to exhibit interest and empathy while making it easier to track non-verbal cues such as facial expressions, eye movement, and body language that often communicate more than words.

*I like to say, "Disconnect from your phone to connect with your spouse."

2. Listen

*This may sound obvious on the surface, but many of us have this unflattering habit of listening to reply rather than to understand. We work so hard to have our counterpoint ready that we miss their point.

*Keep interruptions to a minimum but do ask probing questions to clarify what they are saying. 

*Repeat or echo back key points (without your personal twist) to make sure you understand fully and to demonstrate that you are paying attention.

"Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn't listening." 

-Emma Thompson

3. Avoid Assumptions

*This goes both ways. Don't assume that they can read your mind and don't try to be a mind reader yourself.

*Be direct and clearly state what you need and desire from your partner. Being coy or vague only leads to lost opportunities and doesn't allow for any conflict resolution.

4. Remember Respect

*In your tone. Speaking in a loud, condescending, offended, or angry tone will derail this conversation and diminish the frequency of future communication.

*In your look. Disrespect can easily be introduced by a glaring stare, rolling of the eyes, or a smirk. Control your reactions.

*In your body language. Crossed arms, finger-pointing, a back turned, and a "talk to the hand" gesture all show a lack of respect.

*In your words. Swearing, taunting, sarcasm, or blaming all introduce a level of disrespect.

"The greatest marriages are built on teamwork. A mutual respect, a healthy dose of admiration, and a never-ending portion of love and grace." 

-Fawn Weaver

5. Proceed with Purpose

*Remember that the purpose of your communication is to strengthen the foundations of your relationship and draw you closer to your spouse. Act accordingly.

*Communication is not a debate and is not a test of wills. It is a vehicle to share feelings, hopes, dreams, and perceptions to understand and nurture their bond.

"Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they are on the same side." 

-Zig Ziglar

6. Prioritize Time and Place

*It's easy to get overwhelmed by all the people and things competing for a piece of your day, but you must set aside time to talk face-to-face with each other.

*Beyond chiseling out time for genuine conversation, regularly make time for just the two of you. Creating time for a drive or a date night can help you remember what you love about each other, even if you can only schedule it once a month.

7. Don't be in it to win it

*This is not a competition. It is not about who has the deepest need or the strongest argument. It's about cultivating one of the essential pillars of being in a strong marriage -- couples who support each other remain genuinely close.

*Don't be defensive. Don't react with self-glorifying statements like "I don't gamble our money away", "I don't cheat on you", or "I never hit you". Nice as that is, those things should be a given and don't build a relationship.

"The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together." 

-Robert C. Dodds

8. Maintain safe harbor

*Be approachable and non-judgmental. Your spouse should never have to pay a price for honesty. The moment they do, you may not hear the truth again.

*Don't share outside your home. You won't benefit long-term from soliciting support from friends, family, or co-workers. Unless coming within the structure of professional counsel, those opinions are not unbiased.

9. Be supportive

*The longer you are married the easier it is to be overcome by the pressures of work, family, and household needs, allowing us to forget that our spouse is subject to the same stresses.

*It takes conscious effort to show and give support to the one you love. Make sure they know that whatever the current challenges you always have their back, and you believe in them.

10. Push pause when necessary

*Even when you enter a conversation with the best of intentions, things can get heated. Be willing to step away from the conversation and continue later.

*Refuse to let communication deteriorate to the point of accusations and name-calling before calling a truce.

Final Thoughts on Communication in Marriage

It is easy to take relationships for granted until dissolution seems inevitable. It is important to make communication a regular part of your marriage. These tips will help you improve the frequency and quality of communicating with your spouse.

Remember to practice flexibility and compromise in your relationship. The objective should always be to find and agree on a solution that works for both of you. Winning at the cost of your connection is not winning. Diplomacy is not only desired but necessary.

A solid marriage starts with solid communication. You are lucky to have someone to share your life with. The best marriage is a cornerstone to living your best life. Being able to engage in honest and meaningful discussions is crucial for that to take place.

Set that time apart and get the conversation started. It's never too late to hear and to be heard.

Now go live your best life,

Dan