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20 Tips to Save or Recharge Your Marriage

Marriage

To the world, a contract. To Christians, a covenant. To have and to hold, for better or for worse, till death do us part.

The plan is for a life together, sharing a lifetime of memories, and yet statistics repeatedly show fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce.

How is your union holding up?

Trouble in Marriage Paradise

Do you feel like the fire has gone out of your marriage? Do you look at your marriage and ask, "What happened to us?". If you ever find yourself watching a romantic movie and think that it used to be you, but it is not anymore, there is still hope.

In an earlier post, Marriage That Lasts, I covered 6 things that have been part of the reason Barb and I have passed 40 years together with no signs of slowing down. Those are things that will help keep your partner and you from drifting too close to the marriage cliff.

If you find yourselves stuck in a rut and feeling more like roommates than lovers, you will not want to review those behaviors as a starting point to maintaining a healthy marriage. You will find those 6 tips within the list of things I'll cover today to help resuscitate your partnership and bring it back to life.

When it comes to resources, I highly recommend the 2008 movie Fireproof. It is a faith-based movie starring Kirk Cameron but its message on what to do for your marriage will hit home whether you're a believer or not. It is in my library, and I watch it a couple of times a year to remind me not to take Barb for granted. EVER. For the price of a couple of Starbucks drinks, it's worth investing in your relationship.

Warning Signs of a Marriage in Danger

Before you get blindsided by your spouse announcing they want out, take a look at a few of the warning signs that could signal a marriage in distress:

• Frequent fighting
• Continual criticism
• Insufficient intimacy
• Holding on to the past
• Absence of quality time together
• Lack of communication
• Failing to Forgive
• Toxic behaviors

No two relationships are the same, but the behaviors listed above should sound the alarm for most couples.

I believe that you should always work hard at being intentional about making your marriage priority number one in your life. Marriages don't fall apart in a day. They are subject to a slow unalarming process much like the pounds that sneak up on you around the holidays if you don't pay attention.

Once the pounds are there, it will be harder to remove them than it was to prevent them. Finding your way back to the marriage and romance you began with will take extra work as well. Put in the work and you can find yourself right back in the love and desire that once described your life with your significant other.

These tips will help you regain traction, get you out of that rut, and keep your journey's future on a road filled with passion and excitement.

20 Tips to Save or Recharge Your Marriage

1. Be faithful

*This was number one on the previous list and remains in that position here. There is not enough of you to go around to fully engage with your spouse and spend energy on an affair.

*It will be hard to save your relationship when you claim it's a priority, but your actions dictate otherwise.

Read: The Price of Infidelity

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;" 

-Ephesians 5:25

2. Flirt regularly

*It is so simple to find little ways to let each other know that the attraction is still present. A flirty text here and there. A lingering hug. A longing look into their eyes. A squeeze of the hand. A kiss that goes beyond a quick peck.

*Whatever flirting is to you, make it happen. After forty years, I still use every chance I can to remind Barb that she still stirs my soul.

3. Spend time together

*How can you create a strong bond if you never spend time together? You can't. You won't reignite the fire via text, phone calls, or social media. 

*A longing look and a loving touch cannot be delivered from a distance.

4. Remember why you fell in love

*Take a journey back in time and reminisce about when you first got together. What was the attraction? How did you decide they were "the one"?

*Remembering what made you fall crazy mad in love initially will help rekindle those feelings in the present.

"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me." 

-Winston Churchill

5. Share new experiences

*Encountering new experiences as a couple will create new memories and encounters that can strengthen the bond between you.

*There's no limit to what that experience can be. Visit a new restaurant. Take a road trip. Enroll in a dance class. Let your imagination guide you.

6. Communicate openly and clearly

*Sometimes we are so sure that we know our spouses better than anyone, that we forget to allow them to say what needs to be said. 

*Be clear about your hopes and desires, then make sure you ask for and listen to what theirs are.

7. Surprise each other

*Barb was out shopping yesterday and came home with a Blizzard from Dairy Queen for me. A total surprise that let me know that she had me in mind while she was running errands.

*A thoughtful gesture, a brief note, or even an ice cream treat can do wonders for keeping the romance alive.

8. Continue dating

*I continue to look forward to time together with Barb that is just ours. A lunch or dinner date along with regular movie nights allows us to enjoy each other's company. 

*Even if you have kids at home, you plan some special time at home together once you've put them to bed.

9. Be kind - Fight fair

*I often say that if you and your partner always agree on everything, then one of you isn't needed. That doesn't mean that every difference of opinion should escalate to a shouting match or all-out war.

*Don't threaten to use such things as the house, kids, money, or leaving to get your way. And don't say things you can't take back. Those wounds will continue to fester long after the fight is over.

*I've always tried to determine if winning the argument was worth losing Barb. I've seen many relationships fracture over things that never should have mattered over the long haul.

10. Prioritize your partner

*I am amazed at the amount of time and energy some people will discover available to win their spouse back. It would have been far better to make those efforts before a breakup became imminent.

*I believe that most people don't think about leaving what they have unless they have reason to believe what they are reaching out to is better. I have a daily objective to make sure that Barb never feels that way.

11. Keep up intimacy

*Life, kids, work, and many other things require our attention and time. Allowing those things to create an emotional chasm or lack of intimacy may lead to a breakdown in your marriage.

 *You can use lingerie, role-playing, or even an app (like Lasting or Kindu ), to help you get back on the right path if you've let your love game get off track.

12. Support their growth

*Don't fear change and the growth of your partner. Be their biggest cheerleader and applaud every accomplishment and milestone.

13. Respond to their advances

*When the one you love attempts to engage with you by pursuing conversation, assurance, recognition, or affection, acknowledge and positively respond to their outreach. It's a beautiful thing to have the undivided attention of the one you love. 

14. Renew with rituals

*Having a routine built on affection and admiration will keep your connection intact. Barb and I start and end each day with kisses and "I love you". I get up before Barb and will always put my hand on her hip for a few moments before I leave the bed. 

*Create your little moments that you can repeat and count on to show you care.

15. Be independent

*You must be you. Pursue interests and friends that allow you to grow and bring more to the relationship. If you only experience things together, what new topics of conversation will there be to share? What can you teach each other?

*I would love to be with Barb every moment of every day, but I always encourage her to get together and spend time with friends. Then I get to be excited about her return home and hearing the details of her latest adventure.

16. Respect each other

*Don't take your spouse for granted. Allow them to be heard and made to feel appreciated. Make sure your conversation always holds them in high esteem, especially in their absence.

17. Support each other

*Provide what they need. A listening ear, a warm hug, or a moment of encouragement can deepen your connection.

18. Put a cap on the critiques

*Constantly pointing out what your spouse is doing wrong can signal other underlying issues. 

*Letting them know in a supportive way how to improve is a sign of caring, but negative or hostile feedback can destroy any relationship.

"Placing blame in marriage is like saying, "Your side of the boat is sinking." 

-Hank Smith

19. Focus on what you love

*It's so easy to become focused on one annoying trait that your partner develops while losing sight of the ten other attributes and qualities you adore. Place your thoughts on the things you love. Those will be what you miss most when they are gone.

*Journal or make a gratitude list for the life you've built together and share it.

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it." 

-Swedish Proverb

20. Put in the effort

*Start by working on your own emotional, physical, and intellectual opportunities. Being your best self will make you more attractive to the one you love.

*Fully engage in the steps above to strengthen your love connection.

*Use every day to do something that symbolizes the importance of your relationships. It can be small gestures such as:

• Giving them a neck rub or back massage without being asked
• A deep look and a loving smile
• A gentle touch of the hand or grasp of the arm
• Texting them a link to something you know would make their day
• Do something special or unexpected (flowers, Starbucks, run a bubble bath, etc.)
• Share a story about a special time you spent together
• Ask them a question and look AT them, while listening to the response
• Make them laugh. Barb's smile and laugh are still two of my favorite sexiest things about her.
• Kiss them like you mean it.

"What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." 

-Mark 10:9

Barb,

Thanks for your input on this post. After 40 years together, I continue to value your thoughts and opinions and your outlook on life. Thanks for all your love, passion, and support. And know that a touch of your hand or a kiss from your lips still gives me goosebumps. Many adventures lie ahead. 

I love you, my Queen.

Final Thoughts on Saving Your Marriage

Marriages are complicated and fragile. And regardless of romance novels and selective Facebook posts, no union is perfect. Not even mine which I am thankful for (because as close as Barb is to being perfect, I'm just as near as imperfect).

Take your time with the causes of the discord. Concentrate on why you got married in the first place. Reconnect with feelings of love, happiness, companionship, and passion. Solid marriages are built on a foundation of like, love, and respect. 

Most importantly, the focus of the work you put into saving your relationship with your spouse must center on you. Be accountable for yourself because it's the only person you have 100% control over. Once you concentrate on what you think, say, and do, you will be surprised at what that does for your marriage.

The road back to a beautiful marriage isn't always easy but will be so worth it in the end. Sometimes, it will feel like one step forward and two steps back. You can increase your chances of success by avoiding these pitfalls:

• Don't have an affair
• Don't play the blame game
• Don't beg
• Don't stonewall
• Don't give up intimacy
• Don't stop spending time together
• Don't keep secrets
• Don't hide money
• Don't repeat arguments
• Don't keep score
• DON'T GIVE UP

Although there are instances where a marriage should be dissolved, most marriages are worth saving. Even happy marriages can go through challenges and setbacks. Working through tough times together leads to a stronger bond on the other side.

Remember when and why you fell in love. Use the steps above to rekindle the spark and enjoy an even better marriage full of more love and trust than ever before. As always, I advocate seeking professional guidance when deemed necessary.

What are you waiting for? You've got a marriage to save.

Now go live your best life,

Dan