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25 Ways to Recognize a Toxic Relationship
Healthy Relationships
Regular readers of my blog, and those people who have been part of my life, know that I am never shy in my willingness to praise Barb and how lucky I am that she allows me to spend my life with her.
For over 40 years, I have been involved in a love story for the ages. I am a hopeless romantic, but one who's been ever so blessed to share a love as good as any I've ever watched or read about. I would jokingly tell people that I only have two vices, Diet Pepsi and Barb and that I could do without the Diet Pepsi.
I am as attracted to her now as the first time I saw her (and that's saying a lot), and after all this time I still believe she's one of the best people I've ever known. To this day, I know that I could never do enough to deserve her, which makes every day she's with me even more wonderful.
Some of you have found the right connection and feel as blessed as I am. You have found your soulmate, and the search is over.
Read: 30 Signs You've Found Your Soulmate
Finding the right person to share your life with doesn't eliminate challenges and opportunities to improve. Barb has an extensive list of my faults that I'm sure she could share, yet she loves me anyway and has always supported me through thick and thin.
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual love, communication, giving, honesty, forgiveness, and trust. They are not built on unreal expectations or perfection (although Barb comes close). Even healthy relationships undergo struggles from time to time. We are only human.
Common traits of healthy relationships
The best relationships share some common characteristics. They display many healthy behaviors such as:
- Encouragement
- Love
- Security
- Compassion
- Trust
- Respect
- Gratitude
- Selflessness
- Support
- Laughter
- Acceptance
- Praise
- Communication
There are others that Barb and I share, but this list is a good place to start your evaluation. The more of these behaviors that are consistently displayed in your relationship, the healthier it is.
Common traits in unhealthy relationships
As you might surmise, the fewer of the behaviors displayed from the list above, the closer you move toward an unhealthy relationship. It is important to note that when sizing up your relationship, you want to appraise it based on the most frequently displayed conduct. Being human, we all have our moments of failure.
Any person who makes you feel consistently unhappy, sad, inferior, misunderstood, or undermined is unhealthy and should be avoided. When these actions are stacked one on top of another and your mental or physical well-being is attacked, your relationship is toxic.
I write every post with the intent of helping you live your best life. I have many family members, friends, and co-workers who endured toxic relationships that left them hurt and broken, living far less than their best lives.
A toxic relationship is no way to spend any of the fleeting time you have on this planet. Although only you can decide if the negative outweighs the positive in your relationship, sometimes you are too close to the problem to recognize just how toxic your situation is.
This list will help shed the spotlight on your decision-making.
25 Ways to Recognize a Toxic Relationship
1. Jealousy
*A clear sign of a toxic relationship is jealousy. Constantly accusing a partner of flirting, secretly seeing, or even having sexual relationships with others is hurtful.
2. Infidelity
*Often, the person who is constantly accusing the other of being unfaithful is guilty of those very same indiscretions. I've often told Barb that despite my numerous human flaws, she could count on me to always be faithful.
*I have total disrespect for people who cheat. Get out if you're unhappy, but don't be dipping your toes into two different ponds at the same time. No union gets stronger through cheating.
3. False Accusations
*It is unhealthy when you are always blamed for anything that goes wrong. It's a red flag when they turn around things constantly so it's always your fault.
4. Resentment
*When the other person resents your accomplishments, family, or talents, you are in the middle of a toxic relationship.
5. Gaslighting
*Gaslighting is common in toxic relationships. It is a form of psychological abuse where one person manipulates another into questioning their own reality.
*It can take on many guises such as lying, discrediting, trivializing, stereotyping, or shifting blame. It is done with such stealth, that the impact is not recognized until the damage is done.
*It is such a dangerous manipulation that I want to give just a few examples:
- "I love you so much, and you know that I would never hurt your feelings on purpose. How could you ever think I was flirting with them when you've always been the only one for me."
- "You're being way too sensitive. You shouldn't overreact all the time."
- "You listen way too much to your family. Everybody says so."
- "That's not that great of an accomplishment. Anyone could have done the same thing."
6. Isolation
*This one should have you run, and not walk, to the nearest exit. The toxic person will work hard to keep you away from family, friends, and co-workers. This limits your support group and increases your dependence on them alone.
7. Lack of Trust
*When a partner continually displays the absence of trust, even when you've never done anything to betray that trust, it is hard to fully enjoy your relationship.
"Love cannot live where there is no trust."
-Edith Hamilton
8. Blames you for their shortcomings
*The toxic individual will seldom be accountable for their own actions and the resulting consequences. You will often be blamed for every negative thing and missed opportunity that occurs.
9. Sarcasm
*Sarcasm is often used to mock you even conveying open contempt. They pass it off as humor, even when its purpose is to belittle you.
*They might say something such as:
- "If I wanted a good opinion, I'd ask someone smarter."
- "Ask me if I care."
- "I'm not insulting you, I'm just describing you."
10. Manipulation
*The toxic partner will often try to control you to their advantage. They will use any tactic, deceitful or unfair, until you give in. This can include guilt-tripping, angry outbursts, crying, silent treatments, or any tool that weakens your resolve.
11. Stonewalling
*This is a common tactic. Stonewalling is simply an attempt to avoid conversations or participate in talks already begun.
*This can cause serious emotional distress to your partnership and should not be ignored.
*Some examples of stonewalling include:
- Storming out of the room in the middle of conversations
- Refusal to answer questions
- Changing the subject
- Ignoring what the other person is saying
- Giving the silent treatment
- Openly dismissing another's concerns
- Phubbing (giving their phone their full attention, rather than the other person)
12. Causes you fear
*If you are afraid to make mistakes, or feel you must constantly walk on eggshells around your partner, you are in a toxic relationship.
13. Self-centered
*They always take more than they give, leaving you feeling devalued and empty.
*They consider a compromise successful when they get their way.
*The conversation always turns back toward them.
*Your achievements, if recognized at all, always take a backseat to theirs.
14. Controlling
*A toxic partner will want to be involved in every aspect of your life but in an unhealthy way. They want the power in the relationship and will go to great lengths to maintain it.
*Some controlling behaviors could include telling you what to wear, always demanding to know your location, or checking your phone to ensure you are only doing what they deem right.
15. Constant criticism
*It is very demoralizing when nothing you do satisfies your partner. The meal is overcooked, the bed wasn't made right, and you used the wrong verb in that last sentence.
"It's better for someone to break your heart once by leaving your life, than for them to stay in your life and break your heart continually."
-Terry Mark
16. Avoids apologies
*The toxic person is never wrong; if they make a mistake, it is someone else's fault. They view apologizing as a weakness and a loss of control.
17. Leans on lies
*They are constantly vague about what they're doing or where they've been. They'll make up a story rather than spend time with you.
18. Verbal Abuse
*This can take many forms. Angry outbursts. Name-calling. Making fun of you in front of others. Demeaning or condescending tone. Any form of communication that is disrespectful falls under verbal abuse.
19. Physical Abuse
*This is so much more than just hitting. It can be shoving, spitting, constraining, withholding medication, and more. It is an attempt to control and should not be excused.
20. Perpetual Anger
*Anyone can have an occasional outburst. But when your partner is mad most days, and at most things, it is hard to feel happy or safe.
21. Desire to change you
*In a healthy relationship, you support your partner's quest to be the absolute best version of themselves. The toxic person will want to make you into someone you're not. They see you as a reflection of their status and don't believe you are good enough as you are.
"Don't settle for a relationship that won't let you be yourself."
-Oprah Winfrey
22. Disrespectful
*You are considered to bring little value, whether talent or opinion, to the relationship. Your input is neither welcome nor appreciated.
*Your contributions and achievements are minimized or ignored.
23. Neglect
*You don't feel appreciated, desired, or included. You may spend time alone because they choose others before you.
*You're emotional and physical needs are not being met.
*You feel like you can't rely on them to show up for notable events in your life.
24. Blasts your beliefs
*Your faith is ridiculed and even joked about. You are minimized for your desire to attend church or synagogue. You are seen as a weaker person for relying on a Being you cannot see.
25. YOU WISH THEY WERE SOMEONE ELSE
*Your relationship is unhealthy and in need of attention if you constantly envision them gone so you can live the life you dreamed of with someone else.
*You are sure there is someone better matched to you but feel stuck because of children, time invested, or another factor.
In the end, any relationship that makes you continually feel bad, sad, and neglected is an unhealthy one.
Barb, I want to thank you on record for giving me a wonderful 40 years where I've felt loved, desired, respected, and supported. I pledge my remaining years to always strive to make you feel the same.
Final Thoughts on Toxic Relationships
It's important to recognize the signs of toxicity in others but try to look in the mirror from time to time too. When I judged myself, I found things that I needed to work on if I was going to be the kind of partner I wanted Barb to have.
People with toxic tendencies often will not display those unhealthy behaviors early in a relationship. They hope that once you've committed to the union, you won't want to give up on the time and effort invested. That is not a reason to sacrifice yourself unless real change is forthcoming.
Please know that although all toxic behaviors are not abusive (physically or mentally), all abuse is toxic, and you should not submit to that. Abuse usually escalates unless lines are drawn or help is sought. If you are being abused, I admonish you to seek outside help. One such resource is the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
My relationship allows me to be happy, loved, appreciated, and optimistic, and has filled my mind with beautiful memories. Yours should too.
You are worthy of a healthy relationship. If you go through the list above and recognize your relationship is toxic, set boundaries to improve the situation. You can never change the other person. They will have to desire to improve and take steps to do so.
A good person can find many reasons to stay in a relationship, even if they feel pain and unhappiness. But a wrong partner will make you feel more alone than when you were single. Just because you want it doesn't mean it's the best for you. Look at your partnership objectively.
Please check out the two resources recommended below.
"You don't let go of a bad relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you start caring about yourself."
-Charles Orlando
Believe that you are entitled to a relationship void of unhappiness, fear, depression, and anxiety. Relationships are healthy or unhealthy.
Choose healthy.
Now go live your best life,
Dan
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