The Price of Infidelity

Infidelity

Infidelity is unfaithfulness in a relationship and/or a marriage. 

Wikipedia describes infidelity as "a violation of a couple's emotional and/or sexual exclusivity that commonly results in feelings of anger, sexual jealousy, and rivalry."

Infidelity can be referred to as unfaithfulness, adultery, double-dealing, disloyalty, and cheating. Regardless of the label, infidelity can result in enduring consequences.

Consequences of infidelity can be long-lasting or never-ending depending on the people involved. The aftermath of any unfaithfulness can cause pain and suffering to both the victim and the person who cheated.

Although both sexes can be unfaithful, men are 80% more likely than women to have been involved in an affair. That percentage is based on studies so doesn't mean a woman won't cheat. However, being Barb's man, I will use the male viewpoint for some of this post.

"Earthquakes just happen. Tornadoes just happen. Your tongue does not just happen to fall into some other girl's mouth." 

-Gemma Halliday

Infidelity Types and Reasons

Some people will only think they've crossed the line and become unfaithful when sexual relations are involved, but there are many ways to break the exclusivity bond with your significant other.

Here are a few:

• Sexual relationships. Most people view adultery as being unfaithful, yet up to 20% will engage in extramarital sex at some point in the relationship.
• Emotional relationships. Some don't count this as wrong, but when you spend hours online or on the phone talking to someone other than your partner, you are cheating.
• Online relationships. Sexting and sharing raunchy pictures and comments online is being unfaithful, even if it never results in actual physical intimacy.
• Work relationships. When you become obsessed with your "work spouse", sharing intimate topics with them, and choosing time with them over your spouse, that's cheating.

When I married Barb, I was in it for the long haul. My repeated promise to her was that, although I'd make mistakes (little did she know how many), I would never be unfaithful. Period. I also promised her that the only reason I would ever leave her would be because she was unfaithful to me.

I'm disappointed to say that during our 40 years of marriage, I have known many men who did not honor that same commitment with their woman. I was also amazed at the ways they could justify their indiscretions. 

Here are some of those:

• We only had sex once so it shouldn't count as cheating
• I wouldn't need to cheat if I got better sex at home
• It wasn't my fault. She came on to me
• I'm not doing anything most of my friends haven't done
• She's always fighting with me, so she drove me to it
• I'm only sexting. That's just a little harmless fun
• If she took better care of herself, I wouldn't look elsewhere
• She spends all her time on the baby, leaving none for me
• No guy would pass up sex if it were offered
• It was a one-time mistake. That's no big deal

I want to address some key points:

1. The excuses outlined above can be made by women too.
2. Cheating is not a mistake. It is a choice.
3. None of the above are valid justifications for infidelity. NONE.

"You didn't just cheat on me; you cheated on us. You didn't just break my heart; you broke our future." 

-Steve Maraboli

"Cheating is a choice. Period." 

-Charles Orlando

There are other factors I've noticed that result in cheating that also fall short of justification:

-Immaturity

-Substance Abuse - (I was drunk, high, etc.)

-Insecurity

-Wanting to end the marriage - (hoping she'll make the decision)

-Anger or revenge - (getting back at spouse via the affair)

-Unrealistic expectations (amount of sex, attention, etc.)

-Upbringing - (Dad cheated so it's in my blood)

A Marriage Vow

Many couples choose to do without what I would call traditional wedding vows. Those vows went something like this:

"I, Dan, take thee, Barb, to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. To love and to cherish, I pledge myself to you, according to God's holy ordinance; till death do us part."

Some couples choose to write their own vows. Whether your vows are self-written or composed like the traditional vows I described above, I've never seen vows written with a "disclaimer."

"Darling, you are the love of my life, my heart and soul, and I promise to cherish you for the rest of your life unless..."

*Something better comes along

*Another woman tempts me

*You put on a few pounds

*We have less sex

*Or other possible "good" reasons yet to be determined

I am fairly sure Barb would have passed on the "I do" part and headed for the nearest exit. I wouldn't have blamed her. Can you imagine someone jumping for joy over such a beautiful contract?

Infidelity comes with consequences

Sadly, vows are broken. People choose to be unfaithful. Infidelity can have many repercussions that linger long after the affair has ended. Broken vows come with consequences that overshadow any reasoning that attempts to justify the behavior. 

What was in secret always gets exposed

Actions always come with consequences

You always reap what you sow

The act will never be forgotten

The Price of Infidelity

1. Lost Trust

*The erosion of trust is an obvious result of infidelity. When you trust someone, you are free to love completely without reservation. Your betrayed partner may find it difficult to trust you again, and you may never feel that unfiltered love again. For me, that was always going to be too high a price to pay.

2. Guilt and Shame

*Keeping an affair secret is not only taxing but often cultivates strong feelings of guilt and shame. You may know that the relationship is wrong, but feel trapped and helpless, because of knowing the pain that revealing the truth will bring.

*That guilt and shame can persist long after and if reconciliation occurs. 

3. Battered self-esteem

*You have given your partner feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth. Your once vibrant partner has been replaced by someone with low self-confidence.

*When they feel unattractive and undesired, it is hard for them to love you or others in the way that they used to.

4. Depression and Anxiety

*Mental health can take a direct hit when betrayal has occurred. The lowered self-esteem and uncertainty about the relationship's future can cause prolonged distress, affecting sleep patterns and coping skills.

5. Memory madness

*Visions of you and the person you had the affair with will bounce in and out of your partner's memory like a bad movie, perhaps for a lifetime.

*You replaced dreams about you with a horrible substitute that can play over and over again.

*Studies show that in severe cases of infidelity, victims may develop symptoms similar to PTSD, such as nightmares, hyperarousal, uncontrolled thoughts, and memories, all due to the trauma of betrayal.

6. Anger and resentment

*They will be mad that you thought so little of them, your children, and the life you built together. They will harbor resentment that you didn't communicate, fight for the relationship, or think they were enough. 

*Those feelings may diminish but never disappear.

7. Forever changed family dynamic

*If you have children, your relationship with them will be fractured. They may end up losing respect and trust, resulting in emotional separation that could last years.

*Extended family members will have a changed outlook regarding your character. You will always be the one that "crossed the line."

"One day you're going to remember me and how much I loved you... and then you're going to hate yourself for letting me go." 

-Drake

8. Risky Behavior

*Victims who are cheated on may begin acting in ways that are not true to their nature. These behaviors could include things like drug or alcohol abuse, overeating, starvation, or unprotected sex in retaliation.

9. Financial Strain

*In the majority of cases, marital monies get used in the new relationship for items such as meals, hotel rooms, movies, and gifts. This depletes the funds meant for the household and family.

*If the affair ends, more money may be needed for counseling and other reconciliation costs. If the affair proceeds, legal fees for divorce, child support, or separation may be necessary.

10. Fractured faith

*I consider this a prohibitive cost. Adultery is a sin. Sin separates us from God and interferes with His plan for our lives. 

*God will bless your marriage and your faithfulness. Would you expect Him to answer your prayers about this new relationship?

*I am human and make mistakes daily. I fall short more often than I desire to. I choose to make a stand when it comes to honoring my vows with Barb. Risking my closeness to God and Barb comes at too high a cost.

When you made your vow to be faithful, it created a special bond of love and trust. When that vow is broken, reconciliation is possible, but the bond will always be marred. The love and trust will forever be tarnished by impurities.

Final Thoughts on Infidelity

I wrote this post because I've witnessed firsthand the price the couples I've cared about had to pay for infidelity. I've always thought that if they paused and weighed the cost beforehand, they might have made a different decision. 

If this post stops one person from acting on their thoughts about giving into temptation, then I have my reward. 

Infidelity comes packed with heartbreak, pain, and regret. I've made mistakes in my life, and I have always felt that I couldn't do enough for Barb. But beyond disagreements, poor decisions, and stretches of overworking, she has never had to worry about my loyalty to her. I've always addressed those "opportunities" as flattering but refusing to take a chance on a "Chevy", thus risking the "Porshe" I had waiting for me at home.

That is not perfection. That is a choice. Prioritize your marriage. Look at the book recommendation Marriage on the Rock highlighted below.

Read: Marriage That Lasts

If you are thinking of cheating, don't. If you are cheating, stop. What would your relationship look like if you spent all that time and effort on courting and loving your spouse? 

Once infidelity has taken place, saving the relationship is possible, but only with enormous energy and the commitment of both parties involved. Men, it may take her longer to get to a place of healing. Be patient. That's another price of infidelity.

If you are deeply loved by someone, nurture it and cherish it. Work hard to protect it and guard it against temptation.

Be faithful.

Now go live your best life,

Dan