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8 Steps of Real Forgiveness

Forgiveness

There seems to be no limit to the ways one human being can hurt another. Rudeness, accusations, hostility, cheating, lying, excluding, and that's just the start of an extensive list. Your significant other talks behind your back, you are bad-mouthed by another employee at work, or your best friend doesn't invite you to their party. 

When that happens, you are admonished by others to "forgive and forget", to "get over it", or to ignore the misdeed entirely. You don't feel like it most of the time, but it's important to keep in mind that the pardoning of these infractions benefits the hurt party (you),  more than the accused.

What Forgiveness is

Forgiveness means different things to different people. For the sake of this post, I will define forgiveness as the intentional and willful decision to let go of the hurt or anger someone has caused you by something they did or said.

When you forgive, you consciously let go of any thoughts of vengeance and retaliation toward the person causing you harm. You do this willingly whether you think they deserve pardon or not.

What Forgiveness is not

Forgiveness is not a stamp of approval on the act in question. You do not have to condone what the person has done to you as a requirement for forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not necessarily remove the consequences or punishment of the wrongdoing. Forgiveness does not wipe the slate clean or throw a blanket of amnesia over the person or the offense.

Forgiveness does not require you to "make up" with the one that did harm to you. It doesn't rely on a continued relationship of any kind with the one inflicting your pain.

Benefits of Forgiveness

But working on forgiveness severs the ties between you and the other party. That can help eliminate the control another person maintains over you, freeing you up to live your best life. Here are a few of the benefits of real forgiveness:

• Improved mental health
• Lessoned stress
• Reduced anger
• Better self-esteem
• Stronger personal and work relationships
• Fitter cardiovascular and immune systems

Assessing the benefits is noteworthy but doesn't make the act of forgiveness any easier. It is often so hard to let go of what happened. There may be places or things that create constant reminders, making it difficult to do so. It also may feel like you are letting the guilty party "off the hook", and that by human nature may be the last thing you want to have to happen.

Effects of Unforgiveness

Choosing to not forgive (and it is your choice), can result in an insidious erosion of your ability to grow and develop. If you choose to hold onto that grudge baggage you might:

• Be unable to enjoy the present while backpacking the grudge
• Struggle with your faith and core values
• Fall into depression or self-doubt
• Bring hostility or mistrust to new relationships
• Lose trust and closeness with existing connections

Be open to Forgiveness

Real forgiveness is a gift for your relationships, your mental health, your physical being, and your contributions to the world you live in. 

I keep referring to real forgiveness because forgiveness is more than just words. You are told you must forgive so you mouth the words "I forgive you", still holding onto the anger and hurt, allowing the weight of that baggage to be added to the next unforgivable act.

After you become open to forgiving, you may become stuck with how to do it. Some people are inclined to forgive more easily than others. But even if you are more apt to hold a grudge, anyone can learn to be more forgiving. 

How do you do it? Can you really forgive someone that hurt you, wronged you in some way, or embarrassed you in front of others?

Here are some steps to follow. 

8 Steps of Real Forgiveness

1. Acknowledge and Validate

It is natural to feel hurt or betrayed by the actions of someone, especially if that someone is close to you and trusted. Don't push those feelings inside where they can fester and grow.

If you are hurt, feel the hurt. If it makes you angry, be willing to be angry. It is okay to accept the reality of what happened and take note of how it affected you personally.

Once you are true to your feelings you can work to release them properly.

2. Empathize

Try to understand the other person's perspective and reasons for doing what caused you the hurt. This is done to connect with their motive, not to excuse or condone the actions that took place.

Sometimes people that are hurting hurt others in response. This doesn't make it right but may help you get to a state of forgiveness with less apprehension. 

3. Express Yourself

Be willing to communicate what you are feeling. Let the person involved know your needs and feelings if possible. Moving that emotional baggage from you to them is paramount to moving on. It doesn't matter what they do with it as long as you're not toting it around anymore.

If circumstances prevent you from communicating your feelings directly to the offender, then express them to a trusted friend, clergyman, or therapist, or write them down to move that baggage off your cart.

4. Review the Benefits of Forgiveness

• Forgiveness is designed to set you free, not the other person
• Forgiveness is strength, not weakness. It gives you back control
• Forgiveness improves your emotional resilience
• Forgiveness supports peace
• Forgiveness eliminates anger, hurt, resentment, despair, etc.
• Forgiveness saves and revitalizes relationships

Making a mental list of these and other benefits mentioned will motivate you to break the chain that currently ties you to the individual or group that created the friction.

If you are looking to forgive at this point, try to visualize what it would be like to have that burden lifted. How good would it be to be unshackled from the person and the deed?

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." 

-Buddha

5. Determine the Need

You have acknowledged and expressed your feelings. You've looked at the action done from their point of view and reviewed the benefits. Take a moment here and determine if forgiveness is warranted.

Pick your battles and don't react to everything that everyone does that does not meet your expectations. Forgiveness is a tedious and ongoing affair. There are times when you may realize that you overreacted or that the infraction wasn't as severe as first believed. Maybe expectations were unclear, so the offense was not intentional.

It is okay to proceed without the need for forgiveness while committing to better communication going forward. It's like the person who switches lanes in front of you that really looked but didn't see you. No harm, no foul.

6. Practice Mindfulness

You have read my recommendations on mindfulness in previous posts. It is a way to bring your mind into the present, allowing you to calm your mind and body. Especially beneficial when you feel stressed, angry, or hurt. I've attached a short video to further explain the process.

There are many forms of mindfulness. It took me several tries before I found the one that works for me. It will take some practice, but I challenge you to try a few. The techniques are simple and can be done in a short amount of time anywhere.

Remain positive. Practice self-talk that concentrates on your strengths versus the hurt you're feeling.

Read: 40 Positive Affirmations

7. Choose to Forgive

Everyone tells you that you HAVE TO forgive. That is not the truth. 

When you forgive because you are supposed to, or because everyone else believes you should, it often doesn't stick. 

The Bible tells us the importance of forgiving but even that admonishment will be short-lived if the act is not genuine.

"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you." 

-Mark 6:14 NLT

Don't forgive because "it's the right thing to do".

Don't forgive because others want you to.

Don't "fake it 'til you make it".

Forgive because you choose to. You have determined the benefits and you know that forgiveness is the best course of action for you, not anyone else. 

Forgiveness is designed to set YOU free. Forgiveness removes the control the other person has over you, so it is for your sake, not theirs.

"It's not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place because it frees you." 

-Tyler Perry

"To forgive is to set the prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." 

-Lewis B. Smedes

8. Head for the Exit

Don't look back. Once you've chosen to forgive, leave the anger and hurt like roadkill on the highway, just a diminishing spot in the rearview mirror as you move forward toward the exit.

Don't go back and pick it up. Focus on the view ahead and all the positive things that you freed up space for. 

Forgiveness is a commitment to an ongoing journey. You choose forgiveness over anger and despair. When memories invade with replays of what happened in the past, commit to focusing on the road ahead.

Don't involve yourself in the punishment of the offense. Leave that to someone else. Revenge and retaliation are soul crushers, and being a full-time warden for someone is exhausting. 

You are better served to live your best life without the cargo.

"As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison." 

-Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

Last thoughts on Forgiveness

You will get hurt. People will fall short and disappoint you.

Don't let resentment and hate rule your life. Those feelings don't affect the person that hurt you one bit. They destroy your future possibilities. Shift the focus from them to you.

Forgiveness doesn't equate to forgetting, nor is it saying you are okay with what someone did. It just means you decided to let go and not be ruled by emotions.

Forgiveness is not always easy. In fact, it can be very tough. It may be harder than the initial betrayal we suffered. But without it, you will not find peace.

Forgiveness doesn't condone their behavior. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. Forgiveness doesn't even mean you have to associate with them again if that's your choice. 

Forgiveness just means you are free to live your best life. That is always my hope for you.

Go live your best life,

Dan