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20 Things Not To Say In An Argument

Arguments

Arguments take place all the time and all around us. You'll see people arguing at work, the grocery store, the movies, the park, and everywhere and anywhere two or more people can gather.

Although arguments may be a natural part of many relationships, I believe very rarely is there a victor in the verbal battle, especially if one or more of the participants fight dirty.

"The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it." 

-Dale Carnegie

Arguments can be mentally draining and stressful. There can be long-lasting damage to a relationship even after you think you have "won". My advice to my teams has always been to avoid arguments by learning to initiate conversations before the argument volcano erupts.

You can derail oncoming arguments many times by following a few techniques like these:

• Know your value. If you have good self-worth and feel secure in who you are you won't let other's opinions or verbal attacks define who you are. It's mind over matter - "You won't mind because they don't matter".
• Avoid the explosion. Express concerns or disappointments when they occur calmly and respectfully. You don't save it up and collect it with others until there's no room inside and an eruption is inevitable.
• Breathe. Take a moment and think about the situation. Is this worth getting angry about? 
• Be in control. Say it instead of shouting it. Rise above the emotional wave and remain composed when first discussing a difference of opinion.
• Respect differences. Everyone can have a different viewpoint or perspective. That doesn't make them bad people. Don't take it personally when they do. Don't dredge up past conflicts to fuel the current one.
• Agree to disagree. Try to grasp their point of view. Listen instead of attacking. Read body language and be ready to walk away this time rather than escalate the situation.

You tried to remain calm. You worked hard not to be drawn into an argument. You would rather be anywhere else but here you are, smack dab in the middle of an argument. Arguments can be painful and cringeworthy with a lot of mudslingings, but they don't have to be. Learning to engage in arguments positively and constructively is a life skill worth learning. It will help you to avoid all-out war and leave relationships intact.

“Respectful communication under conflict or opposition is an essential and truly awe-inspiring ability.” 

– Bryant McGill

See 8 steps to resolve conflict

During an argument, it is quite easy to let things get out of hand. Emotions run high. It becomes a battle over "winning" rather than an attempt at resolution. What can make matters worse, is that our most fierce arguments are often with those people that we know very well or even intimately. That means we come to the battleground with an arsenal equipped with what buttons to push to put the other person on the defensive.

There is no progress made, no victory won, and no truth to be celebrated if it comes at the long-lasting expense of saying things to inflict pain, embarrassment, or guilt onto the other person. Saying things that you cannot take back reveals cruelty in you and a lack of preparedness to argue your point of view in the first place.

Think BEFORE you speak.

20 Things Not To Say In An Argument

1. "You don't care about..."

2. "Get over it"

3. "You don't get it"

4. "You don't have a clue"

5. "We are done!"

6. "You make no sense"

7. "You always..."

8. "You're acting just like your (Mom, Dad, Friends...)"

9. "You're making a big deal out of nothing"

10. "Just calm down!"

11. "You always have to get your way"

12. "I'm out of here if..."

13. "Everyone knows that you..."

13. "I don't care what you think"

14. "You have no business..."

15. "That's 'crazy', 'stupid', 'ridiculous'..."

16. "You're such an @#&%!"

17. "I'll talk to you when you make sense"

18. "You sound just like my..."

19. "We're not doing this again"

20. "You are making me..."

"The argument from intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence." 

-Ayn Rand

Don't be that person that puts winning the argument above all else. In all we do we should do with respect for others. We do that because we cannot improve our worth at the expense of others. The side of the right does not always belong to the biggest, angriest, or loudest. 

As you learn what not to say and approach arguments positively and constructively you will be able to remain calm and respectful. You'll be able to replace the things you shouldn't say with better phrases such as:

• "I never looked at it that way"
• "I'm sorry I came across that way"
• "I appreciate your point of view"
• "I hear what you're saying"
• "Let's take a moment and come back to this in a bit"
• "I know now where you're coming from"
• "I'm glad you cleared that up for me"
• "Can we agree to disagree this time?"

"We're in a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit." 

-David Suzuki

Beating them into submission is not victory. Their silence does not equal your victory. Know the difference between ASSERTIVE and AGGRESSIVE.

If you are going to argue, pick your battles. Argue to find a resolution over victory. Don't go looking for a fight. It's hard to be taken seriously if you argue with everyone about everything all the time.

And when you fight, fight fairly.

• Attack the position, not the person
• Respect and validate their position
• Don't make it personal
• Be open to compromise
• If you do falter, apologize
• Be willing to be wrong. It will strengthen your position next time

Be calm in today's storm. The sun will come out tomorrow.

"The start of an argument is like the first break in a dam; stop it before it goes any further." 

-Proverbs17:14